On Mothers Day

Last night as it got closer and closer to midnight, I kept thinking about Mothers Day.  I kept thinking about how I felt last year on Mothers Day. I remember being so sad, Saturday before Mothers Day, knowing that we were about to celebrate a day for mothers when I felt like I wasn't being allowed to be a mother. I remember telling myself that I was not going to let myself be sad and instead to focus on celebrating my mother and mother-in-law. But that really didn't work, and Sunday came, and I was beyond sad. I was mad.  I was mad that I wasn't a mother yet. I looked all around me and saw all the mothers, especially young mothers, and I questioned everything. I asked why them and not me? Did I not deserve this too? I had so many questions and so many feelings, and there was no way I was just going to be able to ignore all of them on this day.   

I remember Marcus' mom wished me a Happy Mothers Day, and someone replied to that saying, well, she isn't really a mother yet. And I was so mad, and wanted to scream at them, and really to scream at everyone else too, and tell them that if it were up to me I would already be a mother.  I was hurt that everyone seemed to think it was my choice that I didn't have a little baby yet, as if I had all the control, when really I had none.

And so a year later, as we are about to celebrate Mothers Day again, those feelings and emotions are so fresh in my mind. And this year is so different, with a baby in my belly.  There is no anger.  But I will never forget those feelings, and the heartache I felt as I waited to be a mother.

And I don't think I will ever forget. Going through infertility definitely taught me that we are not the ones in control. So often I think we think we are, until something big happens that makes us realize that we are not. And for me now, I think Mothers Day will always be an emotional day, reminding me that we are not in charge.  Reminding me that there is a bigger plan for us, no matter how hard that is to accept. 

Happy Mothers Day.